Ever felt so alone even when you're surrounded by people? Yeah me too. Let me tell you a bit about anxiety. It's one of those awful things that people will never quite understand unless they've experienced it themselves. People look at it and think "uh that's nothing" but really it's a big thing.
But how do we explain anxiety exactly?
There's no one way to describe it because everyone suffers differently. I can explain how I see it though.
Something so small like going to a appointment or meeting up with an old friend can seem so massive and scary in a suffers mind, trust me I know. This is why I'm writing about my feelings here now, because we all keep it in because we find it difficult to find people who understand but I recently discovered that there's a lot more people out there that understand because they are feeling the exact same as me. its not always easy to put into words but I'm going to try. I really want others to feel like there's someone out there that understands and you're not alone.
There's just a constant worry about everything and we don't want to put ourselves in new situations. In every situation, the worst scenario is our biggest thought. Also, I tend to rewind certain conversations over and over again in my head, overthinking it way to much until it becomes a much bigger conversation than it originally was. I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, right?
My biggest trigger is people, uncomfortable situations and the main one is travelling on my own. Trains espically, I don't know why but it really makes me panic and I always feel a attack coming on. I've learnt how to stop that from happening but it's not always easy. I look around and wonder if people can see how much I'm struggling inside, but I'm sure they can't.
I am always comparing my success to everyone else that's around my age and I always feel like such a let down, when really everyone progresses in different stages and that's okay. We feel like everyone around us is judging our every move but really they are too busy worrying about you judging them.
Some days are harder than others. It becomes a battle to get out of bed on them real rough days. However, there are days where it feels like everything will be okay. We just need to hold on to them days and not forget that they do exist. Go to bed thinking that tomorrow is going to be a good day and it more than likely will be.
When it comes to sleeping, its a whole different battle. For some reason our minds work over time at night and we tend to think about every possible thing that would worry us. we think about things that wouldn't even cross our minds during the day. Then, when we finally get to sleep, something wakes us up and sometimes we have no idea why, but it could be a bad dream, or it could be our minds working overtime again. Most nights I wake up sweating and even crying and I cant remember why. The worst nights though are when you have a nightmare and it stays with you for the rest of the next day.
Panic attacks are the worst part about anxiety in my opinion. They make you feel like the room is closing in around you and all you want to do is scream, cry and crawl up into a ball and never come back out. You get yourself so worked up and panicked that you just keep panicking about panicking and it feels like you're never going to be able to stop. People around you sometimes make it worst by telling you to calm down because its easier said then done and only you can get yourself to calm down, no one else can do that for you.
Anxiety I extremely mentally and physically exhausting. But unfortunately with anxiety you are the one bringing it to yourself, you are the one getting yourself worked up and you're the one who's overthinking everything. We just need to work out why we do this to ourselves, then we can begin to try and help ourselves and get better in time.
But remember, Its not a matter of if we will get past this, its when!
Till Next Time ❤
